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Blog Post
Discovering and Fixing Your Conversation Mistakes
- By Marci Jones Macaluso
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- 10 May, 2017
- •
If my last blog didn’t convince you that conversation coaching might be worth a try, check out this real life “case study.”
I recently had the pleasure to work with two young women enrolled in NYU Film Studies and both were frustrated with the striking imbalance of men’s and women’s roles in their working environment. Their main complaint was that they weren’t being listened to or takin seriously by their male counterparts. There was a blatant lack of respect from the men even thought their roles in the film making projects were equal.
With that background, the three of us sat down to delve into the interactions taking place and what could be done to change the dynamics. First, we explored the ways “we women” were projecting ourselves in our professional conversations with male colleagues. Were we deferential and weak? If so, how did that look? With that conversation in mind, we discussed what type of role playing might be most useful. We established a scenario and assigned roles. This would be a conversation between the Woman Director of the film and the Male Producer. The Woman who played the Male Producer had so much experience with these kinds of conversations that she fell right into the role and really nailed the dismissive way she was routinely spoken to. Taken together with the role played by the Woman, the role playing, in and of itself, was profound. Then we watched the video replay and all eyes were wide open. These two young women saw for themselves exactly what they have been doing to sabotage themselves. It was right there on the video. Downcast eyes. Solicitous laughter intended to cover up discomfort. Nervous gestures. Even the tone of voice lacked confidence. What an exciting discovery!
The hardest part of solving a problem is often just identifying what the problem is. With just a few practice sessions these two women turned their passion into action and overcame their weak behavioral tendencies.
I recently had the pleasure to work with two young women enrolled in NYU Film Studies and both were frustrated with the striking imbalance of men’s and women’s roles in their working environment. Their main complaint was that they weren’t being listened to or takin seriously by their male counterparts. There was a blatant lack of respect from the men even thought their roles in the film making projects were equal.
With that background, the three of us sat down to delve into the interactions taking place and what could be done to change the dynamics. First, we explored the ways “we women” were projecting ourselves in our professional conversations with male colleagues. Were we deferential and weak? If so, how did that look? With that conversation in mind, we discussed what type of role playing might be most useful. We established a scenario and assigned roles. This would be a conversation between the Woman Director of the film and the Male Producer. The Woman who played the Male Producer had so much experience with these kinds of conversations that she fell right into the role and really nailed the dismissive way she was routinely spoken to. Taken together with the role played by the Woman, the role playing, in and of itself, was profound. Then we watched the video replay and all eyes were wide open. These two young women saw for themselves exactly what they have been doing to sabotage themselves. It was right there on the video. Downcast eyes. Solicitous laughter intended to cover up discomfort. Nervous gestures. Even the tone of voice lacked confidence. What an exciting discovery!
The hardest part of solving a problem is often just identifying what the problem is. With just a few practice sessions these two women turned their passion into action and overcame their weak behavioral tendencies.
I’ve been thinking about this word lately in relation to what it is
I do in my Presentation Skills Coaching. I realized that no
matter what aspect of human behavior I’m working on with my
client, the desired end result is for them to convey authority
when they’re in professional conversations.
So what does look like when a person is able to be authoritative
in their demeanor?
That person is able to assure the listener that they are an
expert in what they’re talking about by appearing calm and in
control.
You, the listener, believe what they’re saying because of how
they’re able convey the information.
There is a certain “likability” in the way they present
themselves that implies humor and a willingness to be open
and friendly. No matter what your level of expertise, you lose
your effectiveness the moment you indicate arrogance. At the
same time, it is crucial to appear confident in your professional
conversations.
The more I do this work the more I understand that it requires a
certain “state of mind”. If I can help a client relax and trust
themselves, they can achieve a way to be in the moment of the
conversation or presentation. By that I mean that they are able
to focus on the immediate instead of anticipating the end. So
many of my clients dread their professional conversations
because they feel insecure and nervous. They are not able to
speak with authority because they are sabotaging themselves
by wishing it were over!
The reason I love doing this work is that there is always a
moment in the coaching process when my client begins to
understand that it’s more about how they’re thinking than
what they’re doing. Understanding that simple but challenging
concept is the bridge to achieving the kind of authority you will
need in your professional success.
I do in my Presentation Skills Coaching. I realized that no
matter what aspect of human behavior I’m working on with my
client, the desired end result is for them to convey authority
when they’re in professional conversations.
So what does look like when a person is able to be authoritative
in their demeanor?
That person is able to assure the listener that they are an
expert in what they’re talking about by appearing calm and in
control.
You, the listener, believe what they’re saying because of how
they’re able convey the information.
There is a certain “likability” in the way they present
themselves that implies humor and a willingness to be open
and friendly. No matter what your level of expertise, you lose
your effectiveness the moment you indicate arrogance. At the
same time, it is crucial to appear confident in your professional
conversations.
The more I do this work the more I understand that it requires a
certain “state of mind”. If I can help a client relax and trust
themselves, they can achieve a way to be in the moment of the
conversation or presentation. By that I mean that they are able
to focus on the immediate instead of anticipating the end. So
many of my clients dread their professional conversations
because they feel insecure and nervous. They are not able to
speak with authority because they are sabotaging themselves
by wishing it were over!
The reason I love doing this work is that there is always a
moment in the coaching process when my client begins to
understand that it’s more about how they’re thinking than
what they’re doing. Understanding that simple but challenging
concept is the bridge to achieving the kind of authority you will
need in your professional success.
The business professionals that take my accent reduction sessions all have one thing in common-they lack confidence most of the time when speaking English. They come to my sessions so that they can speak more clearly and effectively when talking to clients, fellow employees and bosses. They are embarrassed and frustrated when they are constantly interrupted with someone saying "What did you say?" over and over again. Being understood in the work place is so important to business professionals. It can make or break a very important business conversation.
Now, let me throw a wrench into the equation. What if you are a business professional who needs to talk on the phone a few times a day or even all day long? Did you know that speaking English face to face is a visual thing as well as a hearing thing? If you're doing a /d/ sound in a word when you should be doing a /TH/ sound the American might understand what you're trying to say when you're standing right in front of them, but over the phone there is no way of having the visual help. Phone conversations can be so much more challenging for the person listening. Many telemarketers have this problem. Well, actually, the person listening on the other end has the problem if they can't understand what the telemarketer is trying to sell them. I tell all of my students- by taking accent reduction classes you are helping yourself become more clearly understood. You are also helping the American who is listening to you -or even another international person who speaks English- to understand you completely. When you know you are being clearly understood you feel more confident! I have seen many of my students stand up taller and carry themselves better knowing they have done what they need to do to become even more successful in their career choices with the help of my accent reduction sessions.
THE PHONE TEST:
After I work with my students on reshaping their sounds to sound more American, I introduce the "phone test". One of the last sessions we do together is actually done over the phone instead of meeting at my office. They talk to me the way they would talk to a client or boss and I listen to hear how much of their phone conversation I can understand. If they are running words together or not saying one of their re-shaped sounds correctly I can help them right then and there. It is a very effective way to keep my students on their toes for those important business phone conversations. I have found the phone test to be an incredible tool!
There are many things a business professional must do to be good at his or her job. First, if you are lucky or smart or both, you have gotten a superb education in the field you have chosen. Next, you need to dress the part for internships and job interviews. Then, if you know what you're talking about - you get hired. Some of my grad students, who take sessions with me, begin their accent reduction classes before they've gotten a job. They know that they need to be more clearly understood BEFORE they even step into someone's office for an interview. Each one of us has obstacles to overcome. To be the best teacher I can be I am always striving to find new ways to help my students reshape American sounds and have fun in the process! If I walked into my office wearing ripped jeans and a t-shirt you would probably think I was a slob and maybe not good at my job. You can know everything there is to know about being a financial advisor or publishing text books or being the next great scientist or doctor, but if people can't understand what you're saying, how far can you go in your chosen profession? You might as well be wearing ripped jeans and a t-shirt!
Now, let me throw a wrench into the equation. What if you are a business professional who needs to talk on the phone a few times a day or even all day long? Did you know that speaking English face to face is a visual thing as well as a hearing thing? If you're doing a /d/ sound in a word when you should be doing a /TH/ sound the American might understand what you're trying to say when you're standing right in front of them, but over the phone there is no way of having the visual help. Phone conversations can be so much more challenging for the person listening. Many telemarketers have this problem. Well, actually, the person listening on the other end has the problem if they can't understand what the telemarketer is trying to sell them. I tell all of my students- by taking accent reduction classes you are helping yourself become more clearly understood. You are also helping the American who is listening to you -or even another international person who speaks English- to understand you completely. When you know you are being clearly understood you feel more confident! I have seen many of my students stand up taller and carry themselves better knowing they have done what they need to do to become even more successful in their career choices with the help of my accent reduction sessions.
THE PHONE TEST:
After I work with my students on reshaping their sounds to sound more American, I introduce the "phone test". One of the last sessions we do together is actually done over the phone instead of meeting at my office. They talk to me the way they would talk to a client or boss and I listen to hear how much of their phone conversation I can understand. If they are running words together or not saying one of their re-shaped sounds correctly I can help them right then and there. It is a very effective way to keep my students on their toes for those important business phone conversations. I have found the phone test to be an incredible tool!
There are many things a business professional must do to be good at his or her job. First, if you are lucky or smart or both, you have gotten a superb education in the field you have chosen. Next, you need to dress the part for internships and job interviews. Then, if you know what you're talking about - you get hired. Some of my grad students, who take sessions with me, begin their accent reduction classes before they've gotten a job. They know that they need to be more clearly understood BEFORE they even step into someone's office for an interview. Each one of us has obstacles to overcome. To be the best teacher I can be I am always striving to find new ways to help my students reshape American sounds and have fun in the process! If I walked into my office wearing ripped jeans and a t-shirt you would probably think I was a slob and maybe not good at my job. You can know everything there is to know about being a financial advisor or publishing text books or being the next great scientist or doctor, but if people can't understand what you're saying, how far can you go in your chosen profession? You might as well be wearing ripped jeans and a t-shirt!
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